A Place To Rant

Well, This is my very first post in WordPress! Care to throw a celebration for that? haha JK. I have actually been thinking of making an account here eversince a friend of mine started bugging me to create my own blogsite. You know who you are. Haha!

I first created an account in Tumblr, for blogging purposes. Yeah, you’ve read that right, for blogging purposes. But it seems like I’m in the wrong lane or something. I have realized after a few weeks that Tumblr is not really for blogging, it’s more of a re-blogging site. Plus the fact that I CAN’T RANT ALL I WANT there because, as much as I have tried to keep it indistinctive, my page isn’t owned by anonymous anymore… so there! I have decided to make a WordPress Account, finally.:)

Sixth Birthday

It’s my sixth birthday with you..  My Sixth birthday as your girlfriend. I know I should not expect anything, but somehow I have this little bubble of hope in my heart that one day, you’re gonna surprise me on my birthday. doesn’t matter if it’ll be the most extravagant surprise or the simplest token of love, I’ll surely appreciate it. But for six years of celebrating my birthday with you, I haven’t seen an effort on your part to make a single birthday of mine special. I know I’m ranting, it’s kinda childish. Can love be measured thru birthday surprises? Surely, not. But still if you love somebody so much, his/her happiness will be on the top of your list.. and when you want him/her to be happy you will do everything to make his/her special day a memorable one. I just can’t help but rant. Lame reasons are just — LAME. You have no resources? No enough money? I AM NOT ASKING FOR A DIAMOND RING; not even a GRAND BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION! Just a simple card filled with love, a simple cupcake with candle to blow, and your presence will be enough for me. But no. It’s like I am not that special in your eyes to be treated as a princess, as what you call me. I am sorry for divulging senseless rants, but I just want you to know that for Six years I have been disappointed. Maybe I need to learn not to expect anything from you, anymore.

Just to remind you: You were not even there on my Graduation Day, My Pinning Day, and even on my Oath-Taking.  There would never ever be enough reason for doing those:/. It just really sucks that your better-half chose not to be with you on the special, once-in-a-lifetime events in your life. REALLY SUCKS.

Is It Wrong?

I have been dreaming about someone so often. Is it considered as cheating?

I do not have any control over my dreams — what to dream and who to dream of — It just happens.

But I have to admit it, I like the feeling of dreaming about the other person.

It’s stirring my heart… always.

You and Her

Why do I have to feel this way? Its like I’ve been stuck at YOUR love story with HER for almost five years now, even though we already have our own OUR love story rolling at this moment. I don’t get it. Is it just me, or is there really something going on, still?

You can’t blame me. You and Her became a couple for years, and I know that what you had with her is really, truly irreplaceable. It kills me inside knowing that you had what seemed to be the ‘closest to perfection” kind of relationship with her. No shallow fights, no trash-talking, no physical hurts — in one simple word, you and her when combined is PERFECT.  And I still can’t get over that fact.

Everytime we argue, or everytime we have a huge fight, do you know what’s running on my mind? Now I’m gonna tell you. It goes something like this: ‘ I know you never experienced this kind of bullshit with her… you never underwent any kind of physical sufferings and emotional torture. You were happy together.. I wonder why did you have to leave her for me? WHY on EARTH did you leave her for me?  I am sorry for taking you away from her..  You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve me. “

At instances like that, I actually can feel that you took the wrong path,  chose the wrong decision — to be with me. Sometimes, I think I am not really worth it to be your girlfriend. I am nothing compared to her. But please, this is not an outburst of insecurity, I am not that naive.  What I’m really saying is that, she makes a better girlfriend than I do, and I just can’t seem to understand why on earth did you choose to be with me rather that to stay with her? Don’t you know what you’ve already got when you had her?…

I guess another fact that adds up to my insane point of view about the two of you is the reality that SHE is still not over you. maybe you still don’t know it, you haven’t been reading her blogs. Or maybe that’s what I thought. I dunno. But one thing’s for sure, you are her favorite subject when she writes a blog entry. Yeah, YOU and her UNDYING love for you. It eats me up inside knowing that there is someone out there waiting for us to fall down so she can catch you; and mind you, this not just an ordinary, pathetic someone — she is really SOMEONE. I mean, she can tear us apart if she wanted to, that I believe. But what she’s doing right now is just loving you in silence, investing her feelings with time so that when the moment comes that you and her are back together, she can give you the most majestic kind of love anyone can ever whipped up…

and YOU..  I still don’t and I really can’t accept the fact that you have nothing inside of you left for her anymore. It’s just foolish. I know something is still inside your heart, it might just be an ember, but do you know that a simple rush of a wind can bring back the flames of an ember? Yes, even of a dying ember.  So I am being very careful about you and her. I have forbidden you to have any kind of communication with her not because I am selfish, but because I am still scared.. scared of the fact that any moment she can take you away from me if she wanted to. I may have accepted the fact that she is a better girlfriend than me, but I am not giving us up. No, never. ;/

“For You To Be Happy”

“Why are you like that? Are you really giving this up?” She asked.

He answered, “For you to be HAPPY”.

That’s how a five-year relationship ended. Very conversational sort of conversation, if you know what I mean.

Unworthy

I hate it how you always make me feel unloved. Like now, for instance, we haven’t talked to each other for three whole days, and then I’m gonna receive a message from you out of nowhere saying that you need a proper closure. That’s not what I’m expecting, you know! What I anticipated really is a cheesy text message telling me how much you needed me back in your life; but hell no! I feel like I’m always left behind. Maybe, just maybe, our love is not as great and earth-moving for you as much as it is for me.

Purple Flower

Someday, when YOU find this blog , which I know you would, even if  it’s after a decade or more, even fifty years, and see the photo above, you will have a clue that this blog has something to do with you. By then, I might be gone in this world, or perhaps I’m still alive yet we did not end up with each other, or maybe –and I’m hoping  a lot for this one– I’m still with you, old and in-love.

Whatever the situation is, I just want you to know that I loved you truly and deeply, with all of me. I gave it all, and if I could, I would have given you even more.

If, by some miserable fate, we did not end up together, please do know that you had the best of me, and I can never give that “best” to anyone else, because it was you who extracted the best in every bit of me.

And if you happen to read my other entries about us (which I will be writing in the near future of this penning date), please don’t get mad or disappointed. I’m just releasing my feelings, for this is the only safe outlet that I have. If I sound hopeless about our relationship in my entries, or mad, or disappointed, or whatsoever, do remember that those are just temporary feelings, and those  – even if combined — cannot vanquish the only permanent feeling that I have for you; LOVE.

Hangin’ by a Single Thread

They have been together for four years and a half already. However, technically speaking, they loved each other for more than that. They have spent a blissful relationship, almost five fruitful years shared together, filling each other’s life with love and inspiration. They are contented with each other, they could not ask for more because they are so blessed with their relationship, and their love is unconditional — well, that’s what other people thought.

Yes, that’s what OTHER PEOPLE thought. People, couples and singles alike, admire them for having a relationship very well-kept and taken care of. They often ask WHAT IS THEIR SECRET, for their bond stood the test of time with flying colors.

Little did others know that the couple are internally struggling, for the relationship that is widely coveted was not real. Yes, they are a couple for almost five years, that is a fact. But you see, the oh-so-happy-and-blessed-couple is just like a character in a movie that they were trying oh-so-hard to portray. When the lights are turned off and the camera stopped rolling, when the audience have all gone and they’re on their own together, the real score between the couple resurfaces. To both of them, and only both of them, their affinity with each other is barely there, hanging on by a single thread.

What went wrong? A question even both of them could not dare to answer, nor to even think of the answer. But as a keen observer, I think I know what went wrong…

They have been together for a long time now, and so they fell completely comfortable being around each other.  I’m not saying that it’s wide of the mark to be comfortable with each other, it’s just that they fell deeply comfortable with each other to the point that they lose the enthusiasm and intimacy. The sparks are gone, which for me is as good as a suicidal sign in a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that they do not love each other anymore. Probably, their relationship just sort of became boring because they forgot to value the little details in their life as a couple. Quality time has been compromised. They became too busy with material things that they overlooked the wonderful feeling of being in-love such as the warmth and beauty of sunshine rays falling onto their faces in the morning, the sweet moment of being cuddled in a movie house while watching a feel-good movie, and many more. For them, it became a plain  ”waking up in the morning” and “watching a movie” thing.

Remember, the small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.